It's your inner
brat that makes a big deal out of simple (but annoying) questions
that your mother asks over and over. It's your inner brat
that feels so wounded because your sister neglected to thank
you for the pictures you sent her. It's your inner brat that
urges you to have 3 desserts when you don't even have room
for one.
No matter how old you are, or how professional and sophisticated
you may appear to others, when you go home you often regress
into a petulant or oppositional child. You may never behave
this way except when you are with family.
This is because situational cues (i.e., the presence of the
people you grew up with) evoke certain feelings and responses
from you. These responses originated in your childhood, and
were repeated over the years. Now, when you walk through the
door to your family's home, these same responses are triggered
again.
Situational cues have even more of a hold on you when the
family home that you now visit was the one you grew up in.
Not only do you react to the words and behaviors of the people,
but you also react to the surroundings: familiar smells, the
creak on the steps, the food in the cupboards, etc. When you
encounter these familiar cues, you react in old familiar ways
-- some of which may be quite immature. In other words, these
cues can trigger your inner brat.
Everyone has an inner brat, left over from early childhood.
It's the part of us that feels entitled to have what it wants
when it wants it (just like an infant does.) It also has very
little tolerance for frustration, and when things go wrong
it blames the situation or other people. Since the inner brat
is the immature part of ourselves that is associated with
early childhood, and since current family encounters evoke
childhood memories and behaviors, then it follows that current
family encounters will also trigger our inner brat.
Old sibling rivalries, unresolved feelings of anger or resentment
toward parents, and buried insecurities are all closer to
the surface when you're back in the family home. Thus, you're
not only reacting to family members in the present, but you're
also reacting to past tensions. And your inner brat makes
things worse.
You'll know that your inner brat has taken over when you
start getting angry at the slightest provocation, or when
you complain about things not being fair. You'll also recognize
its presence when you eat, drink or smoke more than you you
know is good for you.
For example, when your mother asks, "Why haven't you
called your grandmother?" your inner brat might snap
back, "Why are you always picking on me?! Why don't you
ever ask my brother why he doesn't call Grandma?"
Or,
when you've resolved to control your drinking over the holidays,
you end up downing a quart of spiked egg nog, with your inner
brat in the background rationalizing that it's OK because
the alcohol is diluted.
If you want to stay calm and have more fun with your family
this holiday season, keep your inner brat under control.
Here are some tips:
1. Check your expectations: If you begin grumbling
to yourself about various family members weeks before the
get-together, you're giving your inner brat a head start.
By the time the event actually happens, you will be full of
old resentments and anxieties. On the other hand, if you tell
yourself that you are voluntarily attending this event, and
that it may not be perfect but at least it's time-limited,
you will be more relaxed.
2. Prior to visiting your family, practice some simple
relaxation skills such as slow, deep breathing or pleasant
visualization. If you find yourself getting tense at the event,
take a short time-out to relax and get yourself centered again.
3. When family members act idiotic, mean or critical
toward you, remind yourself that such behavior reveals more
about them than about you. The very behavior that irks you
is probably coming from their inner brats.
4. Mentally detach yourself from conflict. Imagine
that this is a movie of your family and that you are watching
it on a big screen. This will keep your inner brat out of
the conflict.
5. Use humorous exaggeration. For example, say to
yourself, "This moment is the absolute worst thing that
ever happened to anybody." By noting the absurdity of
your statement, you'll see things in a more realistic perspective.
6. Don't give into your inner brat's demands for more
food or alcohol. Just because it wants it doesn't mean
it MUST have it. Remember, you're in charge, not your inner
brat.
About the Author
Pauline
Wallin, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist in Camp Hill,
PA. She is author of Taming Your Inner Brat: A Guide For Transforming Self-Defeating Behavior
, (Beyond Words Publishing, 2001).
Visit http://www.innerbrat.com for more information, and subscribe
to her free, monthly Inner Brat Newsletter.
© 2003 Pauline Wallin, Ph.D.
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