I still remember some of the incidents-being introduced in the
front of the class, having to share a locker until they could find
one for me, breaking into the already-formed social groups, having
the wrong "accent."
Whatever the reason for the move, moving is stressful.
While you're anticipating the new location and the new job, doing
all the paperwork, showing the house, packing, and handling those
logistics, remember that your children are going through the same
stress only with less cognitive understanding and no sense of control.
If they don't know what it's like to "be the new kid on the
block," they're about to find out.
The NCC says it takes as long as 16 months for both adults and
children to adjust to a move.
Here are some tips for helping make the move easier for your family.
1. Keep structure amidst the confusion and disorder.
Tighten up on meal times, bedtime routines, and other traditions
that give structure and stability to your family life. Stay home
and skip the babysitters for a while. Let some important things
remain stable while the earth moves beneath their feet.
2. Expect regression.
When we're stressed, we retreat to former times to regain stability.
And our kids do too! You can expect a newly potty-trained child
to relapse, little ones creeping into your bed at night, more tears,
maybe picky eating. Loosen up on these things. They'll go away once
things settle down.
3. Acknowledge both negative and positive feelings.
You, too, will be having them. There's this you'll miss, and this
to look forward to. The old town had an amusement park, but this
one has a great children's museum. You'll miss the snow, but now
the beach is an hour away. Ambivalent feelings are typical of any
transition. Help your child look forward to good, new things while
they say good-bye, sadly, to things and people they'll miss.
Share your joy in your beautiful new home, and your frustration
in not knowing where the light switches are, or the ice cream store.
4. Orient to the way your child thinks.
When we moved when my older son was 6, we left him with my aunt
and uncle while we went to look for the new house. A naturally outgoing
child, he was upset until he learned we'd be leaving the family
dog there too. Children look at things differently. In his mind,
he knew we'd come back for the dog. He was calmed.
This is akin to the nursery school teacher who told me to bring
a handkerchief and leave it with my crying younger son. Not, she
said, as a wubby, but "because he knows you'll come back for
a personal item."
5. Be concrete and talk about details.
Help the child see what it will mean to them, depending upon developmental
age and temperament. With a preschooler, let him help you pack up
a treasured item in a box, seal it up, move it around in a wagon,
then return it, open it up and take the treasured thing out and
put it back where it came from.
This is an experiential lesson that
what we pack up doesn't disappear forever. Children are concerned
about their possessions, just like we are. Also they displace their
general anxiety onto something concrete like that because they have
no other way to express it.
With a toddler, use the doll house and dolls and toy cars to show
what will happen. Read books about moving. Mallory On The Move
is a good one.
6. Instead of focusing on logistics, focus on people and feelings.
The move will get accomplished. Take time to deal with the
emotional aspects and it will pay off in the long run. It's a lot
more important. This is just one of many transitions your family
will go through, and how you handle it will have repercussions in
the future. All transitions bring ambivalent emotions and fears
and fantasies about the future, which is unknown. You'll grow through
this as a family.
7. Make a trial run if you possibly can.
Go visit the new place with your children. Show them wheretheir
new room will be (let them decorate it if possible). Visit their
school. Meet the neighbors. Point out the "same things"
like the DQ and McDonalds. Look up sports and scouts programs. Show
them where the new movie theater is.
8. Expect an adjustment period at school.
Children learn best in a comfortable emotional environment, and
a move is stressful. It will take them a while to get acclimated.
Observe when you pick them up, or talk with them to find out if
they're making a satisfactory social adjustment. According to research
one of the highest emotional intelligence competencies is being
able to break into an already formed group. Be compassionate. Help
them learn the skills. (You may be going through the same thing
yourself!)
9. If not you, then who?
We've lost track of who brings the homemade cake over - the old
neighbor, or the new one. Don't ask for whom the bell tolls -- let
your children choose a cake, bake it together, and carry it over
to meet the new folks. Or have an open house and invite the other
families over.
10. Saying good-bye precedes saying hello.
Let your child have a going away party with their friends, and
then a new party in the new place. We moved a lot when my oldest
son was growing up, though usually in the summer, and fortunately
he had a mid-October birthday.
By that time we knew the names and faces of the other kids in the
class and then could have everyone over for a birthday party and
get him well into the loop. Worked great. |