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Parenting Tips Mark Brandenburg MA, CPCC, coaches fathers by phone to balance their life and improve their family relationships. He is the author of the “Secrets of Emotionally Intelligent Fathers” Ecourse.

10 Super Tips Every Dad Should Know to be a Successful Father

By Michael Farrell - Fatherville.com

Fathers, you have a special place in your children's lives. Children whose fathers take an active part in their daily lives tend to be well adjusted and better equipped for success. It's not easy being a father, but don't think that you aren't as important as the mother. Your roles may not always be the same, but your interest in your children can make a SIGNIFICANT difference. Be proud of your responsibilities and your efforts.

Children don't need perfect fathers; they need caring and involved fathers. With that in mind here are some "Must Know" tips that every dad should practice to be a successful father.

TIP #1. SPEND TIME WITH YOUR CHILDREN EVERY DAY

Spend time with your children each and every day. Even when you are out of town on a business trip you need to pick up the phone and talk to them. When you talk to your children try not to ask them questions that are answered with "Yes" and "No". Instead, try asking them questions that require detailed answers.

For example: What did you learn in school today? What games did you play at recess? What is your favorite television show? Why? When you think about college what subjects really interest you? I pray with my children every night before they go to sleep at night. In my prayers I verbally encourage them as I pray by letting them know how much I love them and what characteristics I treasure in each of them. Whether it's in the morning, before you head to work, or in the evening after your workday is over you must spend time with them.

Doing something that they want to do is a great way of letting them know you care about what's important to them. That might even mean learning what Pokemon is all about and how to play the game. Hint: It's a complicated version of "Rock, Paper, and Scissors."

TIP #2. LEARN TO VALUE WHAT IS IMPORTANT TO YOUR CHILD

Your child is unique. If you have more than one child you understand how different each one of them is from the other. As they grow older they begin to develop different interest in the world around them. As fathers we sometimes get so distracted by our own world that we overlook the detailed world of our children. Only recently have I learned how to play "dolls" with my 3-year-old daughter. But it is so very important to her. When she wants to play dolls with me it is a fantastic opportunity for me, her father, to learn a lot about what is important to her. Playing dolls requires my getting down on the floor with her and experiencing the entire world from here perspective.

Nothing says I care and love you more than when you participate in the seemingly trivial world of your children. We fathers have forgotten what being a child was like and consequently we forgotten what's important to our children.

I challenge you right now to make a list of 3 things you can do with your child(ren) that they enjoy doing. If playing remote control cars is important to your son or daughter ask if you can join with them. If playing a computer or video game is important to your son or daughter learn the game and ask to join them next time they play. Ask them to teach you some of the rules of the game. And remember just because you may be better doesn't mean you always have to win.

TIP #3. COMMUNICATE WITH CARE

Sometimes we fathers get too caught up in our own busy lives. We don't pay enough attention to our kids when we talk to them. Doesn't it bother you when you are talking to your kids and they are staring at the television or playing with their video game? Wouldn't it make you feel like you mattered if they gave you their full attention?

Next time you engage your children in a conversation, try looking directly at your children when they respond back to you. Let them know that what they have to say is important. This is a very tough practice to achieve because we men, generally speaking, get very focused on what we are doing. If possible try doing this every day for a week.

You will be able to gain your children's trust by listening to them when they come to you with a problem and your children will welcome your guidance. But, don't confuse communicating with care with lecturing. Lecturing has its place but your kids will not see it for honest, open communication. You must be honest with your children; admit your mistakes and teach your children the importance of taking responsibility and making amends. When they see you acting on your own advice it will be so much easier for them to adhere to your wishes.

TIP #4. TELL YOUR KIDS YOUR STORY

Tell your story. Your history, and that of your parents and your own family, can be interesting to your child. A young child often feels the world began at his/her birth. By reflecting on your past, you provide your child with the intriguing sense of history and of past generations.

You need not tell all the details of your history, but only those which leave your child with the feeling that you too were once a child and you grew up and became an involved father. All of your life experiences are only useful if your kids know that you are being open and honest with them. If they know you've been open and honest with them they will be able to come to you with questions about their own lives. But, if they feel they can't come to you with their problems they may receive inappropriate answers from other people. Make your life an open book.

TIP #5. EDUCATE YOUR KIDS THROUGH INVOLVEMENT

Remember that you are your children's role model. Your kids are looking to you to learn how a responsible and mature adult acts. Do chores around the house with your children, make them feel good about helping you and teach them that men also share household duties.

Encourage your children to think for themselves. Guide and help them with their decision making process and then stand back and watch them do it themselves. Do all of this while they are young and you can still make an impression on their minds. Don't wait until they get older.

Each day is a new opportunity to teach your child. Don't let time rob you of the moment and don't let someone else steal that privilege from you.

TIP #6. PUT PARENTING FIRST AND USE YOUR TIME WISELY

As a father you must put your responsibility to your kids first. That means nothing else is more important than being daddy. Not your job. Not your hobbies. Not watching sports on television. Your kids are first and foremost. This is hard to do in a world with so many competing demands and attractions. To be a great father you must consciously plan and devote time to being with your children making it your top priority.

In order to make your children your priority you will need to review how you spend the hours and days of your week. Think about the amount of time your children spend with you. Plan how you can weave your children into your social life and knit yourself into their lives. Instead of leaving them at home take them with you to the supermarket. Observe how they interact with you in different settings. Most fathers rarely experience the full potential range of emotions with their children because they seldom see them anywhere but at home or at an athletic event. Both of these are great places to interact with you children but your children are so much more complex.

TIP #7. REDUCE ANGER BY UNDERSTANDING YOUR OWN TRIGGER POINTS

Anger. It's very real. It's very normal. Everyone experiences it. But what causes you to feel angry? As a father if you are able to identify those things that your children do that make you angry you will be more readily equipped to extinguish the flames before you ignite. Do you know what I mean? I know for example that one of my trigger points is when I feel out of control. There are a number of things that I could do to prevent the chaos but none of them really solve the problem.

The real problem is not, for example, the fact that the kids are dumping toys on the floor and making a mess. The real problem is my expectation of the situation. I want the kids to act like little angels. But, how realistic is that from a 2 and 3 year old? I feel out of control and frustrated. Frustration turns to anger and anger to hurt feelings.

However, you can find ways to express your anger that doesn't hurt, belittle, or insult your children. Anger in its destructive form can make a child's misbehavior worse. If you control your reaction to something your child does, the behavior will stop sooner, won't last as long, or be as severe. Both you and your child will feel better about how you handled the situation. This does not mean that you shouldn't get angry when your child misbehaves.

Children need to understand that their behavior upsets you. Most importantly, they need to understand why you are upset. For example, if your child lost a pair of scissors, you need to say, "I'm upset because I need those scissors for my sewing project," rather than name calling. All children will misbehave and anger is inevitable.

If you are having trouble handling your anger, here are a series of techniques to help you keep calm and plan your reaction to their behavior.

• Calm yourself. Count to ten very slowly. Concentrate on the counting, regardless of what your child is doing.

• Put your hands in your pockets to help you resist the urge to use them to threaten or hit your child.

• Take a deep breath and let it out slowly. Pretend you are releasing steam from your body.

• Get away from the situation. Go into another room or take a walk. This gives both you and your child some time to cool off.

• Talk with your partner, a close friend, or a relative. Talking it through will help you develop creative ideas for dealing with the situation.

• Take time to think about how you're reacting to the situation. Why are you angry with your child? Is the child misbehaving because he wants attention, is angry himself, feels discouraged, frustrated, or does not have his needs met?

TIP #8. NEW FATHERS…TAKE TIME OFF FOR YOUR NEW BABY

If you are a first time or new father you should plan on taking time off from work before your new baby arrives. If possible, take paternity leave. Most new fathers have access to some form of leave, but only a small percentage actually takes advantage of it. Your baby will only be a newborn for a month.

Nearly anything can be put on hold for a couple of weeks. If the blessed event has already occurred and you haven't already done so plan to take a week off from work to spend with your newborn child. The best advice for new dads is to get your hands on your baby as soon as, and as often as, possible. Through the process of directly caring for your infant you will learn what your baby needs, how he or she communicates, and what comforting techniques work best. Don't (I repeat) Do not leave this responsibility to the childs mother. You are a dad now.

Try to spend time alone with your baby. Create opportunities where you are the sole care giver. Invite your wife to spend time doing something with her friends or simply offer her some time alone. This will allow you and baby to get to know each other. It will also help you learn the "language" your baby uses to communicate his or her basic needs. Giving your child expressed breast milk or canned formula provides you with the opportunity to feed and nurture your baby. The bond you are developing with your child through your interactions, touch, and care giving is the foundation upon which your father-child relationship will be built. The time you spend with your baby now, will make you a more effective parent in the future.

TIP #9. LEARN TO HUG, KISS AND TOUCH YOUR CHILDREN

I know, I know…for some of us dads this will be like pulling teeth. But as their father if you want to communicate love and acceptance to your kids so that they will know they are loved then you've got to be willing to pull them close and hug them. If you were never touched (in an appropriate, compassionate way) by your own father it may be difficult for you to touch your own children.

It gets even more difficult when, for example, our young daughters become adolescents. So, the best time to lay groundwork for good touch is from our child's birth all the way through her childhood. We fathers should change diapers and clothes, burp, rock and tickle our babies and young children – there are thousands of opportunities (even in the most mundane tasks) to lovingly touch our children.

As your children grow these activities can be as simple as starting a pillow fight; grooming the dog or building something together; lying side by side in a hammock to look at the stars; or taking dad-and-daughter dance lessons. Our kids need our fatherly affection, no matter what their ages.

Good touch is physical affection that:

• comforts them

• affirms them as a person

• supports them

• respects and is sensitive to their person and their boundaries

• is given with their permission

• is given freely, with nothing expected in exchange

• helps them feel strong, lovable and able to delight in themselves and...

• is not sexual.

TIP #10. FATHERHOOD IS NOT ABOUT YOU

I know this one is hard to hear. But it's true. It's time for you as a father to get over yourself: life no longer revolves around you and your needs. I've "discovered" that being a father is not about my getting my needs met.

Being a father is all about my kids and meeting their needs. This doesn't mean catering to their every whim. But in the course of everyday events your children's needs should come before your own. Sure, you need to take time for yourself. Every father needs time to recharge his batteries. But, the sooner we, as fathers, learn to put aside our own needs the sooner we will begin to establish the kind of relationship our children long to have from us.

What does that mean? It doesn't matter whether you are a first time father, divorced father, stepfather, or a stay at home father. I know that every parenting situation brings with it a unique set of circumstances but in the end fatherhood means less of you and more of them. But the rewards, oh the rewards can last a lifetime.

Learn to enjoy and spend time with your children. You'll only have them for a short time. So come on Dad, enjoy your fatherhood.

About the Author

Mike Farrell and his wife Dawn have been married for 11 years. They have three children: 2 boys and 1 girl: Jonathan (8), Meg (4) and Luke (3). A graduate from Boise State University in 1991, Mike has a B.A. in English. A native of Idaho, Mike works as a professional in Information Technology. But his real passion is with his family. Mike is the owner, operator and Senior Editor at: http://Fatherville.com

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