My kids should always obey me!
Its the perfect irrational statement for fathers to create
more problems in their families. For many men, this kind of thinking takes them further and further
from their kids, and it creates a cycle of anger and frustration
thats hard to break. But those whod like to learn to
manage their anger can do so, especially if they follow these ten
steps:
1. Take responsibility for your own anger.
The only person in the world who causes you to get angry is you!
Commit to stop blaming others for your angry outbursts and start
devising strategies to have it improve.
2. Use calming statements to yourself
Saying things like, take it easy, or, stay calm,
its not about you, can help men buy time and model self-
control for their children. These need to be practiced consistently
for them to be effective.
3. Leave the area immediately
You cant say or do anything that youd regret when youre
not there! Leaving the area as soon as youre aware of your
growing anger can allow you the time to respond to the situation,
rather than reacting from knee-jerk emotions. It usually takes at
least twenty minutes for most men to totally calm down after an
emotionally upsetting event.
4. Become familiar with the warning signs of impending anger
Whether you experience racing thoughts, an accelerated heart rate,
or sweaty palms, come to know the signs that you are about to explode.
Stay aware of your body when an upsetting event is looming. This
awareness will allow you to put your calming strategies into place.
No awareness--no calmness.
5. Proclaim your commitment to fewer angry outbursts to someone
in your family, or to your whole family.
This will put some teeth into the commitment and force you to walk
the talk. Now you have accountability built into your commitment.
Your family will help you evolve into a calmer, gentler guy.
6. Explore your personal issues around anger
What are the particular issues that create such anger in you? What
are your irrational thoughts? They can be things like, I should
be in control, or, My kids should always obey me. These
thoughts are sure to cause anger problems! Learn alternatives to
these thoughts, and prepare for situations which provoke irrational
thoughts. 7. Count to Ten
This is what your grandparents may have done, but it is still an
effective way to get past the worst of the anger and allow yourself
to calm down a bit. This may also be done while leaving the area.
8. Do something to reduce stress every day
Whether its exercise, meditating, or reading, try to do at
least one thing each day that allows you to feel more centered and
relaxed. Most angry outbursts happen when were stressed out,
and when we have other things on our mind. Create some kind of daily
ritual that lets you clear away this excess baggage and allows you
to enjoy your home life to the fullest.
9. Use deep breathing
When you feel the signs of anger coming your way, begin to breathe
through your nostrils slowly and make sure your abdomen and stomach
are expanding. When we get angry we tend to use shallow chest breathing.
Using slow, controlled stomach breathing will allow you to avoid
emotional reactions and respond in a more rational way. One of the
advantages of deep breathing is that it can be used for a variety
of situations.
10. Practice a smooth transition from work to home life
Many of our angry outbursts can be traced to excess stress from
work. We sometimes bring this stress home with us and more easily
become annoyed or angry. Use a calming technique of some sort on
your drive homea relaxing CD, or diaphragmatic breathing.
This will get you out of work mode and into a more nurturing home
mode, so youre ready to be a part of the family again when
you arrive.
Anger will happen in families. It will impact some more than others.
Unfortunately, it impacts our children the most.
If you struggle with anger, show your family you care, and practice
an anger plan. Your training opportunities are happening every day.
About the Author Mark
Brandenburg MA, CPCC, coaches fathers by phoneto balance their life
and improve their family relationships. He is an Instructor for the
Academy for Coaching Parents (www.acpi.biz), and the author of the
Ten Steps to Manage Anger for Men Ecourse. (http://www.markbrandenburg.com/angermanagement.htm)
Visit his resources at
www.markbrandenburg.com. |