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Oh thank you, my daughter gushed, as she opened another
present from the pile in front of her.
It was her tenth birthday, and she was on center stage. Gift after
gift was being opened. And after each gift was opened, my daughter
did a remarkable thing: She looked at each of the givers in the
eye and thanked them. And as I watched this from behind my camera,
a tear came to my eye.
It was not just this show of appreciation that moved me, for there
were other things happening here. There was the imminent loss of
childhood, and the kindness of the relatives who sat close by. There
were memories of past birthdays, and the joy and innocence they brought.
And there was the suspicion that this would
be the last birthday of its kind, before modern culture, peers,
and hormones took their place in my daughters life.
But I couldnt stop thinking about how remarkable it was to
see this display of appreciation, and to feel the joy that came
with it. And as I saw it, I was reminded of all the times over the
years when my wife and I had insisted on please and thank
you.
I was reminded how many times wed told her how important
it was to show appreciation for the things people do for us. And
while it hasnt always been easy to be the nag,
all of our efforts became worth it as we watched this unfold.
For those parents whod like to help create what is becoming
too rare these daysa well-mannered child--here are some guidelines:
Teach your kids, dont criticize them. If they burp
at the dinner table, its not effective to yell, Dont
be rude! Instead, be calm and specific about what you want
them to do. Tell them, Its not polite to burp at the
table, but if it happens, you may say excuse me.
Start them at an early age. Things like saying please
and thank you, or making thank you cards to grandma
can be started at a very early age.
Teach them in private if possible. Kids are easily shamed
if corrected in front of others, just as we are. If at all possible,
take them aside and talk to them in private. This gives them a chance
to learn it, and not to feel ashamed.
Anticipate mistakes from your child. You didnt really
think your kids were going to learn manners on their own, did you?
Theyll make a ton of mistakes, and theyll need to be
corrected many times. Dont let high expectations for your
kids create impatience in you. Theyll learn it when theyre
ready.
Prepare them for using manners in advance. When manners will
be expected, as when going to a friends house, or to a restaurant,
remind your kids of whats expected of them. This friendly
reminder will help them remember manners when they get excited,
and are liable to forget.
Expect good manners from your child on a consistent basis.
Once theyve been taught, expect your kids to exhibit appropriate
manners. Giving a lot of gentle reminders will show your kids that
this isnt going away. Eventually, theyll be consistent
on their own.
Be ready for mealtime. Family dinners are prime time for
teaching manners. They can also be frustrating. Prepare yourself
to be patient, and expect mistakes to happen. Creating a formal
atmosphere, with low lighting and candles, is a way to make manners
at dinner more fun.
The Public Agenda Research Group (2004) reports that in this country,
8 out of 10 respondents say that lack of respect and courtesy is
a serious national problem. From all the research they've gathered,
it appears that Americans are more stressed out and ill-mannered
than ever before! Manners seem to have gone out of style. But parents
shouldnt make the mistake of letting their kids think theyre
out of style. Its YOUR job to bring them back!
Later that evening, my daughter was still excited from all of the
festivities. Im going to remember my tenth birthday
party forever! she announced.
She isnt the only one.
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