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Jelly Mom,™
a light-hearted column on family life with kids and pets, written
by Lisa Barker, author of "Just Because
Your Kids Drive You Insane ... Doesn't Mean You Are A Bad Parent!
 Navigating
Commercial Landmines
©Lisa Barker
I’m waiting for one of the kids to ask me what reptile dysfunction
is. There’s no escaping the ads on television. I imagine how
the talk will go so that I’m prepared:
“What er-reptile dysfunction, Momma?”
“It’s what happens when your frog can’t catch flies
anymore. Or when your chameleon can’t change colors. Or when
your lizard can’t grow a tail. Or when your iguana can’t....”
“Woman, what are you telling them?”
“We’re talking about reptile dysfunction.”
“Your getting your reptiles and amphibians confused.”
“Momma, what happens to Geckos?”
“They get upstaged by whiney cavemen.”
“What?”
“Don’t worry about them. They’re upstanding amphibians,
I think, very charming and polite. And they can save you a lot of
money.”
This is when I get ‘the look’ from one of my kids. The
very same look I expect to get when I am a great-grandmother and
they park me in the corner and send the great-grandbabies over to
entertain me and I scare them by popping my dentures out at them.
“Oh, look! Our show is back on.” We settle back only
to have our entertainment interrupted by more sponsors of products
for adults.
“Momma, what’s a tampon?”
“It’s a magic wand that makes women wear white and dance
around barefoot once a month.”
I don’t know what’s worse. Advertising these products
for the general public to view—including children—or the
brainless writers that actually think women dance around in white
clothes when they’re having Auntie Flo over for tea. There’s
no amount of anti-depressants, anti-water-retention, anti-crabbiness,
anti-bloating, anti-aching that’s going to make a woman wear
white for such occasions.
It’s like those commercials for women’s underwear where
they have about twenty women dancing around in their skivvies because
they are so happy with the fit. You’ll never see a commercial
for men’s underwear done like that. Men have standards.
I teach my kids to respect another’s privacy and we’re
all embarrassed to be caught in our underwear...but it’s okay
to dance around in them on television because you get money for
that.
“Momma, what’s herpes?”
“Uhhhhhhhh.” I can’t think of a good segue. What
do I tell a five-year old? It’s a sickness that the man has
and the woman really, really hopes she doesn’t have? Think,
think, think...herpes, burpies...Slurpees!
“Hey, that reminds me! When’s the last time we had a
Slurpee?”
Phew! We don’t dwell on STDs too much. But soon a commercial
for Cialis runs.
“What’s ED?”
That again. “Er-reptile dysfunction.”
“I don’t see any frogs or lizards. I just see two naked
old people in bathtubs.”
“The frogs are in the tubs.” Or are they toads? At that
age you get a little bumpy like a toad.
“Ewwwwww.”
“Yeah. Ewwwwww.”
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Jelly Mom™ is written by Lisa Barker, author of "Just
Because Your Kids Drive You Insane...Doesn't Mean You Are A Bad
Parent!" and syndicated through Martin-Ola Press/Parent To
Parent. To publish Jelly Mom, buy the book or leave comments, please
visit http://www.jellymom.com.
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