 Commonsense
Approach to Domestic Violence
by Regena English
Domestic violence - the catch phrase for the past ten years.
People use the words as if they represent an incurable disease
rather than what it really is: deplorable human behaviors. It
doesn't matter how many times Oprah, Sally, or Montel talk about
domestic violence it is still happening to many of their audience
members and viewers.
Why?
In this society we have a bad habit of excusing women of being
responsible for themselves, thus leaving them as victims to the
madness of their abusers. It's imperative women understand their
bodies and minds are to be treated with respect and honor, and it
is within their power to enforce treatment befitting a human being.
Enforce? Yes, if they're in an environment that is unhappy due
to beatings and cruel criticisms it's their duty to move to safer
ground, a place where negative words and actions are not levied
against them. Women need to know, if a man or woman loves them enough
to fill a mustard seed they would never give them a black eye, bruise
their ribs, shoot or cut them, nor would they ever open their mouths
to utter degrading terms directed at them.
Love should never humiliate or beat you silly.
For the past decade talk shows have filled the airways with sad
stories of living with violently insane persons but they left out
a significant part, the part of the woman. Men and women both sit
on talk shows claiming they can't control their behavior, they blame
their parents and babysitters for abusing them, they blame the parish
priest for molesting them, they blame society for not removing them
from an abusive household as children, they blame the gun manufacturer,
they blame their loved ones for upsetting them and the list goes
on. When will the blaming to justify their abuse stop?
It'll stop when women (and men) stop making excuses for why their
"loved ones" hit, kick, bite, and degrade them.
It'll stop when women walk away the first time a man (or woman)
assault them, instead of, enduring twenty years pretending he or
she's going to magically change.
Recently I saw a talk show discussing domestic violence and I was
deeply sadden by the guest speaker's summation of domestic violence.
There was a theme emerging, the only person to blame is the perpetrator,
after all they're mentally ill. Not once did she point out how victims
aren't victims until they surrender their power, which gave the
impression she was saying the victims aren't responsibility for
themselves.
I'm not saying they (as in the victim) can control anyone but themselves,
no I'm saying there's always something the "victim" can
do to legitimately protect themselves from further harm. Are these
options perfect? The answer is no, but, at least the "victim"
would be attempting to do something rather than throwing their hands
in the air and accepting the harsh treatment as facts of life.
After watching the show I soon discovered other women who were
also put off by the so-called abuse expert's explanations and comments.
Like me they were left with a sour taste in their mouth on how women
are encouraged to remain passive and not pro-active to the first
signs of abuse.
There's power in saying and meaning, "No I will not permit
you to hit me ever," but somehow it seems these experts are
trying to preserve victimhood.
Three women confided in me their reasons for being disappointed
with the show's guest.
"I lived with abuse for fifteen years. Every weekend
I wore a black eye. One day I woke up and thought to myself, I
don't hit him so why should I let him
hit me. That's when the light came on, I should be treated the
way I treat him. I took responsibility for my allowing this man
to hit me. I decided he couldn't hit me anymore and got out. Who
cares how mentally ill he is, I have to be sane for me and see
where my power lies." VPalmer
"Expert huh? Women will always be victimized if they
never see by not reacting with action, as in getting out, when
abuse first starts they're enabling the abuser. Why is it so hard
to just say that instead of all that beating around the bush."
anonymous
"I'm disgusted. Women can count on future generations
being abused because there's no encouragement for them to feel
strong and in charge of themselves." Lee
It's time we, as human beings, take responsibility for our futures
the way God intended and stop handing over our power to decide our
own fates to uncaring and abusive people.
REMEMBER this: someone giving you a black eye is not a sign
they love you; it's a sign they have issues that have nothing to
do with you and it's time for you to get away from them.
© 2002 Regena
English
About the Author Regena
English, the editor of The Leather Spinsters Newsletter and Leather
Spinsters on the Web Ezine publications for happily unmarried careerwomen.
She is also the author of a controversial ebook entitled Leather
Spinsters and Their Degrees of Asexuality. http://www.leatherspinsters.com
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